Holding Back from God

This past Sunday was communion Sunday.  As we approached the kneeling rails, my 18 month old had her eyes open wide.  She watched in eager attentiveness as the bread was brought to us, one by one.  She said, "ooooh" at the little cups that had been placed in the holes on the kneeling rails by earlier communion-takers.  She picked them up, tried to drink out of them, and then put them back in the holes.  She looked down at the pads upon which we were kneeling and touched them curiously.  She listened in wonder as the pastor said the words that signaled that our time was over and we should return to our seat.  And she did not want to leave.  Better put, she refused to leave.  "Noooooo!" she cried out as I picked her up to take her back to our seat. "It's time to go sit down again," I whispered in her ear, but she just said, "Again."  "We're all finished.  Time to sit down.  Do you want to draw with the pencil?"  But no, nothing would satisfy her other than to go back to the front of the church for communion.  And so, sensing the great anxiety and expectations of the congregation over my taking her out of the sanctuary over the understood-inappropriateness of my daughter's behavior, we left the sanctuary altogether.  But even then she couldn't get over it.  She wanted to go play communion... and I wanted to let her.  This is how she learns.  It's not like she doesn't want to participate.  She does want to participate, arguably with more enthusiasm than some of the quiet, behaved adults, and I want her to know that the Lord welcomes her just as she is to his table. 

Having an 18 month old in worship is a very different experience than worshipping with just adults or older children.  My daughter doesn't know the rules - not just the theological rules like "Don't take the Lord's name in vain," but the rules of social propriety.  And teaching her to worship is showing me just how much we mix those two things up.  Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.  Truly I tell you, anyone who does not receive the kingdom as a little child will never receive it."  Maybe instead of holding children back, we should consider emulating them.  I know that many times I have wanted to stay longer at the communion table, but the music was coming to an end, the people around me were leaving, the pastor said those special dismissal words.  Inside I have felt, "Noooooooo!  Let me sit here without worrying about these things!"  But I am a grown-up, fully capable of keeping my mouth shut, and I don't want people thinking I'm weird.  And so I quietly go back to my seat to pray there ... but it isn't the same. 

Having an 18 month old who cannot hold herself back is teaching me how much we do.  Maybe, instead of teaching our children that the number one rule in worship is to sit still and be quiet, we ought to accept them as God does, just as God accepts us however mature we are.  And maybe in so doing we will find our way forward.  "And a little child shall lead them..."