Monday, April 14, 2008

Fruitful Life

Today I turned 30.  I know to a lot of you out there I'm still really young, but last night at midnight, when I suddenly realized I was in my 30's, I had a moment of real shock.  It was like I had to totally rethink my self perception.  I've been in my 20's for, well, 10 years, 1/3 of my whole life.   I rolled over in the bed and whispered to my husband to see if he was still awake.  Well, he was then. "It's midnight.  I'm 30," I whispered.  "Happy birthday!" he whispered back and hugged me.  We talked for a little while.  He was so kind, so generous, so loving.  I rolled back to my spot on the bed and thought through memories, realizing how close my experiences from childhood and onward have stayed with me, the good and the not so pleasant.  The love of my husband and my child, in her crib close by, produced a warm and safe ambiance in which I could explore my experience of this transition.  

As I thought through my memories, I had the sudden thought, "Did I accomplish everything I wanted to accomplish in my 20's?"  At first glance, I realized that the answer was yes.  I got my masters, entered a really good Ph.D. program, got married, had a baby.  I'm right where I hoped I would be.  But as I kept thinking about what I really hope to do with my life, I realized that none of these things, in themselves, are what I really wanted to do with my 20's.  I wanted to lead lots of people to Christ.  I wanted to help people grow closer to their Maker.  I wanted to be really, really fruitful.  It is a lot harder to quantify that kind of "accomplishment," to run through a check list and say, "Yep, two thousand souls saved!" or something like that.  None of us really ever know the full extent of the fruit of our lives.  And as I laid there in contemplation, I realized how little of my life has been "accomplishment," and the real fruit I seek has happened more in the in-between time, the saying a prayer in traffic, the soft lullaby sung to young ears, the kiss to my spouse on his way to work, the hours and hours spent in thought - sometimes constructive thought and sometimes self-centered thought that edifies no one.  So, yes, I had a really productive 20's in terms of education and career development and family life.  And I'm set up really well to go into my 30's.  But if I want to avoid a midlife crisis in another decade or so, I don't know how much this really matters.  In the words the famous song: "Life is what happens while you're making other plans."

In one year and 2 months, my husband will turn 30.  I don't know how he will experience that.  But I do know that the warmth of the love that he chose to give me last night when I woke him up at midnight bore good fruit in my soul, and that is what life is all about.

1 comment:

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